I've blown a few things in my day
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
