i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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