I want to walk on stilts...naked
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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