I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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