And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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