U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
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