so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
