I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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