We won't sleep together?
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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