hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
