Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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