After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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