I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
