Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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