mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
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