he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
