i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
just found out that she named her cat after me.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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