I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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