Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I'm always down for nudity.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
