D3 body, D1 cock
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
