he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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