I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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