Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
