White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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