So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
