Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Randomize
