I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
