Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
