So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
