now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
