I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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