I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
