Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
my shit smells like andre
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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