I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
