I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
you didnt know i had herpes?
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
