I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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