There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
