that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
