At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Randomize
