We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
