i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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