I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
