He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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