some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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