We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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