Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
