I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize