Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
