Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
