You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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