??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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