my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
