Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize