tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize