My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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