I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
