Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
