My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Randomize
