So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
