franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
