If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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