Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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