I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Someone signed my nipple.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
