He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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