Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize