why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
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