Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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