So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
They are going to name an STD after you.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Randomize
