Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
we should paint friendship bongs
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
