her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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